Holidays = FOOD

Time for the holidays ... and you know as well as I do that means time for holiday eating. Crap. Literally - holiday food is crap, it is not good for you in any way, shape, or form, other than the fact that it tastes so darn good. I think that I have found the perfect holiday diet though - who's on board with me? :)

HOLIDAY DIET

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:
* If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
* If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
* When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
* Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
* If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.
* Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.
* Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
* Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
* Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
* Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
* Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
* Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about ... ha ha. Not really, but it did make me laugh, so I thought I'd share!